Gracefully Broken

// *Adele’s “Hello” Plays*

Helloooo, it’s meeee, I was wondering if after all these years (two to be exact) if I should blog again…//

The answer is YES!! Hello everyone, I’m back to blog again!! Honestly, I never intended “leaving” or going silent for so long. I originally started this blog so I could document my time here at Liberty, and I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything in two years. A lot has happened in the past two years that unintentionally drew me away from writing, but my fingers have been itching to type again and I can’t wait to share what’s been on my heart and what’s been going on in my life.

The last time I blogged was on Easter in 2017, which was the second semester of my Freshman year. The summer following my Freshman year was absolutely amazing because I ended up working as a camp counselor in Texas for the entire summer. I got to share the Gospel with kids from the ages of kindergarten to fifth grade every week, and it was a life changing experience. My sophomore year of college came at me fast after I came back from camp, and it ended up playing out nothing like I had imagined or planned. I was affected emotionally, mentally, and spiritually by the whirlwind of events that surrounded me. This time in my life is honestly what drew me away from the desire to keep up with this blog because I was drained in every way possible all the time, and I felt like I had nothing worth sharing. A lot of people might read this and be surprised, and that’s because I tried my hardest to make it appear as if I wasn’t struggling as much as I actually was. But this is what I wanted to be completely honest about today:

I was broken.

Everything I was used to seemed to be completely stripped away to where I felt like nothing was ever in my favor. Without going into details of everything that happened, let’s just say that the words other people speak, the actions other people show, loneliness, and extremely hard classes can really weigh on a person. I found myself in a dark place where I cried almost all the time. I knew that in this valley I could turn to God for help, but to be completely honest, 95% of the time I read my Bible just to say I read it.

Looking back at my sophomore year, this is all I remember. The academic part and even the spiritual part is such a blur. If I was the author of my own story, this is NOT how I would have written it… I mean, I really don’t want to just remember misery when I think of my second year at college.

But thank goodness I am not the author of my own story.

As I came out on the other side of this rough season, I started to get fixated on describing it as a time of brokenness, and I began to wonder how God saw brokenness. Let me just say – when you seek for answers in the Word, you will find them! One place I found an answer is in Psalm 51:17.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken an contrite heart. O God, you will not despise.” -Psalm 51:17

I read this and mulled over it for a while. Then I came to this conclusion: When we experience weakness, we encounter grace in a way we don’t in our everyday normal life. When we are broken, we are met by the gracious heart of God who is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and our brokenness makes us more aware of our need to depend on Him.

God wants our brokenness. And not only does He want our brokenness, but He has a purpose for our brokenness.

I couldn’t see the purpose for this pain while I was experiencing it, but as I reflected on it on the other side of the hurt, I started to sit in awe… I am on hall leadership and the hall I had chosen for my junior year had chosen the theme “The Pottery Barn” for our hall, a theme that focused on being a broken jar of clay.

A broken jar of clay.

Suddenly, this image in my mind formed: if I am a jar of clay in the hands of the Potter (Jeremiah 18:6) and He wants to put His light inside me, the light can’t shine through unless there are some broken pieces.

Now, almost completely done with my junior year, I can confidently tell you that the breaking God did in me was in preparation for this year, where I would be placed on a hall that was all about brokenness and how God can use brokenness. I have been SO much happier this year and I have grown so much, and I truly believe it’s because He did that work in me. I’ve been able to share this testimony with the people I have met this year, and I even implemented it into my community group’s hall wall:

After reading this, maybe you’re still wondering why brokenness is a good thing. After all, it doesn’t really sound like a good thing. I just want to end with this reassurance: while God does break us sometimes, it’s not to hurt us. He breaks us with grace. Grace is defined as: mercy, pardon, favor; an act of kindness or courtesy. So while in the midst of the breaking it is painful, God does it with mercy, pardon, favor, and as an act of kindness. Lamentations 3:32 says, “Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.”

So that’s what’s been going on with me! I hope that in some way it encourages you. Like I said, this year I have been SO much happier… so stay tuned for posts about this school year 🙂